El Orfanato / The Orphanage

I had originally intended to do a review of another film until one of my friends had mentioned this movie in a Facebook posting. This is one of those movies that you hear about, but forget about until someone reminds you about its existence. I’m writing this preface before I watch the movie.

Let me give you a little backstory about this film, which has no descriptions on it other than “mockumentary” and “horror”. The director is credited to John Erick Dowdle, the same guy who is credited as a director for Devil, Quarantine (the remake of the brilliant Spanish zombie horror [Rec] ), The Dry Spell, and Full Moon Rising. He also wrote this film and the screenplay for the aforementioned movies (except Devil which was written by M. Night Shyamalan). He’s also credited as a writer for Quarantine’s sequel. With all that said, I’m sure I know what I’m in for.

I avoid reading plot descriptions or spoilers before I watch movies, so this is what I caught skimming though the descriptions. I found the whole movie streaming on youtube, and on Google Video. I’m unable to provide an Amazon link but that’s no fault of mine. Hell, I’d love to give you a link to buy this movie, but there is none. Seriously. I even went on Netflix to try to rent it, all I found was a TBA note and nothing else. Note that this movie was released in 2007, and we are in 2011.

As someone who studies criminal behavior in general I wondered if the film had anything in common with the Poughkeepsie Murders, lo and behold it did, but the similarities end at the murders. This would be like saying the movie “From Hell” is a factual account of Jack the Ripper. A fictional account of true events. (As good or bad as that analogy may be, I’m sticking to it.)

I’m going to sit down and watch the movie. This From the Grave will be a bit different. I feel it in my blood.

Here's a poster to tide you over.

I didn't think I was going to see Vanilla Sky again.

This is me after watching the movie. I was tempted to write the review as I watched the movie, however I’d rather not spoil the fun for those of you who will hunt down this rare piece of Horror Filmmaking and watch it for yourself. Going in with what I knew about the film only made the movie somewhat weirder. Because I know most of the main cast is used again in Quarantine (no joke, look up the cast), and most of the film takes place in the form of ‘Found Footage’ that is “mandatory viewing” to students of Forensic Profiling.

This has elements of 70’s Grindhouse filmmaking with some complex psychological horror mixed in.

Not to break reality here, but any required material might just be kept under wraps. What is shown is supposed to drive the people who watch it insane, really. None of it drove me nuts. I will say that the movie itself is quite effective at keeping you on the edge of your seat at times, simply because you know what’s going to happen. That anticipatory suspense is by far the worst.

There are some things in the film that I will go back and point out as just weird. I had initially intended on mentioning Amber Alerts, but they were not put into full effect until around 2001. Which was after the events of this movie. Assuming that the killer in this movie was practicing his trade for a long time, I’ll have to say that the scene where he kills a child is kind of odd and unnerving. But the scene is very Reservoir Dogs in the sense that you don’t actually see him kill her. You just hear *THUD* and then you see him scurry off like Zoidberg. I just find it too uneasing that the 911 operator would say “if it’s a missing persons we’ll have to wait 24 hours” when the mother is on the line screaming and pleading “MY BABY’S BEEN TAKEN OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!” It’s just…not right.

I’ll stand by the comment that at any given time there are about 50 estimated serial killers in the United States (sometimes more depending on who you ask, I’ve heard that there is at least one in every zip code). That’s something I have heard numerous times, but some officials are afraid to admit that because it’s: “Scary.”

I would nitpick on little criminal profiling things, but it’s a movie. …(bites fist…restrains…then screams)….Okay! I’ll zone in on the multiple profiling montage towards the end. This irritated me since it really seemed to make a mockery of the whole process and show that there really isn’t a difference between profiles. If you get a hold of this movie, watch this scene and try not to laugh. That seemed almost a moot point by the time they got to it anyway. The main killer is a f**king psychopath. Let it be and don’t show him as being anything more than a Sociopathic killer. What should have been there is a criminal psychologist talking about all the facets of Antisocial Personality Disorder and showing how this character fits that description based on the videos.

It seems that the most work was put into writing 25% of the movie, and it was scattered around when the director finished doing his (possibly) 2 hours of “home video” footage and edited it in. I have seen far worse than what is on this video. When the little girl is hit, you just hear it and don’t actually see anything. And no the woman who plays Cheryl actually has her hand, she was in Quarantine. Don’t believe me, here’s her IMDB linkhttp://www.imdb.com/name/nm1089340/.

Bam. Boom. Zip. She was probably the one of the better actresses in the whole movie anyways, besides this guy.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0582239/

The killer. Ed. It struck me with how well he pulled off the lines and the torture scenes. Then I saw his IMDB page and I realized that he’s kind of typecast into the character. Ben Messmer, I'd love to give him a role as something other than an "Enthusiastic Stalker."

Now I’m going to lay off railing the movie and get into what I think should be said about it.

I like how they pointed out when he chloroformed the chick in the car and the camera was held at a near impossible angle. That was pretty good. I actually enjoyed how that was explained that away. The black and white dismemberment shots were pretty nice, and artsy. But in that good way. I actually liked how 70’s film noir they seemed.

This movie should not be so hard to find. Even though it does add to its ‘aura’ it still is kind of irritating. Okay, it’s very irritating. I know that the compression artifacts add to making some scenes difficult to make out and having your imagination fill in the gaps, but this just doesn’t feel right. I’d like to actually see some of what’s going on. I will put this movie a step above the Last Broadcast because it kept the same pacing, and mood throughout most of its run.

Not only those things, but because some actual thought was put into how sadistic this killer was going to be. I can see influences from almost every horror movie killer I’ve ever watched and from almost every serial killer I’ve ever studied. The only things not present in this killer are: cannibalism and…he seems to not enjoy showing his face. Hmmmm….

With all those tapes you're bound to find some Balloon porn in there, oh wait. 
There is Balloon porn on some of the tapes.

I think the man needs to get his taste buds tuned. This is not a snuff film. It’s actually pretty damn good when you look past my nitpickings. I’m sure that had this movie not been buried by whoever buried it (be they the production company or the writer/director himself) we would have a much better film. But to be quite honest with you, for how well it’s made and its overall appeal (sure as hell beat the human centipede in my book) I’ll have to give it a:

Drumroll

9/10.

Yep, you read right, a 9 out of freaking 10. I’m not a critic. I’m a reviewer who loves to be entertained, and it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve been this entertained. This movie is even worth doing a rifftrax over. Which I may do, provided there's a demand for it.

And how the hell did he get off framing that cop anyways? If someone can actually let me know exactly how he got someone else’s genetic secretions onto a female body then you get a free download code for one of my albums.

Memorable Quotes:

“There are probably hours and hours of these tapes that nobodys watched except me. Like, for example, there’s over a hundred hours of weird balloon stuff on these tapes.” –Simon Alray (the tapes guy) Holy crap did you ad lib that yourself?

“I think torturing and murdering turn him on.” – Felton Lewis (the FBI Profiler) You think?

*The whole dismemberment chat.* - Jason Ribling (dismemberment guy) – The way this guy does his monologue is just nicely done. It seemed authentic for a guy who does this kind of job all day and then is called in for an interview and realizes that he’s just too crass about it.

“Why did you call me officer?” - Ed (the killer) I chucked there.

“Because I’m not a cop” – Ed (the killer) heh…

“You’re not (a cop)?” – Samantha (the victim) duh…winning.

“Don’t you know about assumptions, they make an ass out of You and Me.” – Ed (the killer) – Actually this whole scene is great. And kind of like…whoa…well done.

(And no the woman who plays Cheryl actually has her hand, she was in Quarantine. Don’t believe me, here’s her IMDB linkhttp://www.imdb.com/name/nm1089340/.)

Bam. Boom. Zip. She was probably the one of the better actresses in the whole movie anyways, besides this guy.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0582239/

The killer. Ed. It struck me with how well he pulled off the lines and the torture scenes. Then I saw his IMDB page and I realized that he’s kind of typecast into the character. Ben Messmer, I'd love to give him a role as something other than an "Enthusiastic Stalker."

Now I’m going to lay off railing the movie and get into what I think should be said about it.

I like how they pointed out when he chloroformed the chick in the car and the camera was held at a near impossible angle. That was pretty good. I actually enjoyed how that was explained that away. The black and white dismemberment shots were pretty nice, and artsy. But in that good way. I actually liked how 70’s film noir they seemed.

This movie should not be so hard to find. Even though it does add to its ‘aura’ it still is kind of irritating. Okay, it’s very irritating. I know that the compression artifacts add to making some scenes difficult to make out and having your imagination fill in the gaps, but this just doesn’t feel right. I’d like to actually see some of what’s going on. I will put this movie a step above the Last Broadcast because it kept the same pacing, and mood throughout most of its run.

Not only those things, but because some actual thought was put into how sadistic this killer was going to be. I can see influences from almost every horror movie killer I’ve ever watched and from almost every serial killer I’ve ever studied. The only things not present in this killer are: cannibalism and…he seems to not enjoy showing his face. Hmmmm….

Space Dust, yes it’s space dust that caused the zombies. Wait, this isn’t another Days of Darkness review, this is another movie. No, not the Andromeda Strain (an awesome, non-zombie, book). This is another movie that was suggested to me during my zombie horror binge. This is Fido. Released in 2006, I nearly forgot about this movie. A Canadian Comedy about zombies.

Let’s look at the poster before I continue with the actual review.

I’ve seen a couple posters, so I’ll post the posters I found for Promotional and Reference purposes.

Whoa grandpa, you scared me!

The movie starts off with an American black and white propaganda film very similar to those in the 1940’s-50’s. This short film lays out the “zombie rules”. “Zombie rules” are what I like the call the guidelines that the writers base their zombies on. You know, the basic questions: “Are they dead?” “How does one become a zombie?” “How do you kill them?” You know, the basics.

Be sure to walk your zombie at least twice a day!

These zombies were brought on by Radioactive Space Dust that coated the earth, causing the dead to…get up and live (*cough cough*). These zombies don’t just want your brains, they want your flesh. They’re killed by destroying the brain, a la headshots. There’s a catch though, a company called Zomcon devised a way to control the undead and make them “as gentle as a household pet,” which brings us back to the title: Fido.

A film screened at Sundance and about three other indie film festivals, I have to say that this niche movie is up on my (currently non-existent) list of zombie movies. As slow as it is at times, it makes up for it with its humor. I would call this a family movie, but with all the gore it’s not really a family movie per se.

Things turn bad when Fido bites the mean old neighbor after his collar turns off and his hunger for flesh is awakened for a brief moment. I had one of my friends comment on how this movie even more supported the theory that zombie movies are a statement on how some of us are slaves to our society. I couldn’t argue with him seeing as the zombies in the movie are, essentially slaves. But please man, don’t pull me away from my dream that one day I will have my very own zombie pet, and if that doesn’t work out. Then I’ll have myself a panda.

"Relax honey, he's just smiling."

We see a nice little 1950’s style zombie massacre in the middle of the movie using revolvers and semi-automatic pistols. It’s pretty neat. I won’t ruin the movie for you, but like any family movie it has its ups and downs. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, and it makes you wish that tomorrow you’ll have your own privately owned zombie servant.

The soundtrack is pretty damn good. Good luck finding the songs on it, you might have to buy them each off amazon or itunes, and retag them yourself. When I googled ‘Fido Soundtrack’ I only found the one song “Ninety Nine Pounds of Dynamite” on Amazon as a search result. So you may need to jump over to IMDB and look up the soundtrack there if you feel inclined to pick up the songs one by one.

The movie does a good job at giving a different look on the zombie genre. Instead of the horrific monsters, we see these horribly misunderstood creatures. Well, that’s partly due to the collars, but let’s just ignore that and appreciate some good comedy here. You're going to love the ending.

8/10 – It’s worth a good watch. I would like to say your kids can watch it, but it is Rated R for a reason.

Notable Quotes:

“I’d rather be a zombie than dead.” - Indeed Timmy.

“Just because your father tried to eat you does that mean we all have to be unhappy…forever?” - Thank you for summing up a majority of the character!

“That’s Mr. Bottom's lamp.” - Wait…you have a neighbor named Mr. Bottoms?

*Camera shows a decapitated head in formaldehyde.* “That is uncle Bob.” - Whoa, man...whoa...zombie obsession duly noted.

I sat down and relaxed from my word addled life and decided to dig through my DVD’s searching for some inspiration. Instead I found an old DVD I forgot I had bought back when Blockbuster was still a Video Store and had some half decent movies. I had bought this movie in a buy one previously viewed movie, get one free. I think there were no other good movies so I just picked it up and forgot about it. (The Store Crew there were pretty hardcore about the "buy one movie, get one free deal". Something about overstocking and messy bathrooms was uttered as I calmly walked my sixteen year old self away from the counter and over to the movie tables.)

I first saw this movie when my grandfather rented it and my aunt gave us the dvd so me and my parents could see it. I think it was the production quality that made her tell us to watch it. So I sat down, at the age of 13, and wasn't scared by anything in this movie. If anything it made me laugh, uncontrollably laugh. Then again, I'm the guy who sits down and watches horror movies and laughs at the gore and stupid character decisions; but mostly the gore.

So I'll throw the poster/dvd cover in your face.

Nope, Johnny's not here.

I've seen other variations of the cover, with the only change being the words on the bottom reading: "I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE." Other than that, the artwork is the same picture on the DVD, Cover, and the Promotional Poster. Take a sip of coffee when I admit that all I have is the actual DVD. The case got lost a few years back.

If I Die Before I Wake is extremely low budget. Shoestring budget movies are usually known for their cheap special effects and dry humor. When I say dry humor, I mean that kind of unintended humor that pops up when you get that just right combination of bad acting and…well…everything else. I start off with this statement of low-budget because it’s something that I will not continually address throughout the review and I just want to get it out of the way. So to clearly state, I have nothing against low budget movies, I just find them the funniest movies to watch for the aforementioned reason.

When the DVD loaded up, seriously this was one of the fastest loading DVDs I’ve ever loaded into any DVD player (even when I considered how old this DVD actually is). For a movie of this caliber I was impressed to actually see a Special Features section, complete with a…wait for it…wait for it…Trailer. Yes, you read right, a freaking Theatrical Trailer for it. It also had a cast bio, some other low budget movie trailers, and some transition effects to lull you over into the different menus. Oh, oh, and the music. The most soothing background music, if anything, it served as good background noise while I wrote this part of the review…which is why this section is so unnaturally long.

With that we’re off to the movie.

The movie begins with the simple title card. Film grain ensues. Not a bad thing, but the aspect ratio of the movie is…4:3? Seriously? In any case, we see shots of the interior of the house and a family, and some other things. The camera work is extremely shaky at times, nothing “Cloverfield-esque”, but you know, it’s probably their first movie.

Actually, I found a picture of the title card.

Seriously, this is the title. Notice how just the I's are capitalized.

Production and development issues aside, I will go on to the  actual story and acting. The first spoken line is: “We’re in.” Any fan of The Shining will recognize the immediate reference of the face in the doorway (no axe here). I’ll explain the plot. A group of thieves break into a house. They didn’t expect a family to be there, and end up terrorizing the family for a whole night. I mean, what?

I won’t spoil any of the movie’s major plot points for you, but it is pretty intense at times, especially in the first half. A large portion of it revolves around the older sister of a family of five crawling about the house and hiding trying to get free, call the cops, beat down the thieves. There is a variation on the characters though. Among the "attackers" there's an idiot, the leader, and the guy who's "Keepin' it real, yo!".

Some scenes are too much (bro-rape), some are just not filmed right (sister closing door when the flashlight is on her face), and others leave something to be desired (when the whole family screams). The last of the three because I’m 90% sure that that many screams would cause the neighbors to at least wake up, especially in a suburban neighborhood. There is also the (at least to me)  infamous chat room scene. Which is, perhaps, the most realistic scene in the whole movie.

I’ll explain. There’s a scene where the sister turns on her brother’s computer and logs on to a chatroom aptly titled ‘American Chat’ and types: “Please call police, men have broken into house.” Perfect grammar, no errors. Jeez she thinks clearly even when her family is being raped and brutally beaten.  I give her a perfect A. Hell, I give her an A+. Beautifully done LoriBeth. That’s her name, LoriBeth. The character, not the actress. I would have named her John McClane, I mean…Joy McClane. Especially when she's sneaking around in the chimney.

Me and one of my friends actually tried this out. We named ourselves "ifidiebeforeiwake" and waltzed into a chatroom and said, exactly, word for word, what she said. First response we recieved? *drumroll please* I'm not going to edit this so beware: "Bitch you be trolling!" Wow people, just wow. You don't tend to your fellow humans in need.

Remember the bro rape scene I mentioned? There’s not one, but TWO, rape scenes. Actually it’s one scene, two characters.  That’s the climax of the first half of the movie. Seriously. I can imagine a writer hi-fiving himself here. You have clearly outdone yourself sir. It's like you created one character but split him in two for this one scene. Sort of like that blue guy in The Watchmen, but worse because it's really two people.

If you haven’t noticed I haven’t really said anything bad about the actual movie. It’s actually pretty damn good.  Most of the actors (the older ones) are seasoned actors who appeared in T.V. shows and Made for T.V. movies, and have had time to hone their craft to a certain extent. Remember the unintended humor I mentioned? It pops up in quotable moments.  There are many of those. “Daddy’s dead.” “She’s gonna like me.” “Brother when I’m watching a movie I like to have some popcorn.” It's not so muchwhat was said, but how it’s said.

I think the one major issue I had with the movie dealt with the camera work and overall production quality. Which can be overlooked. A suggestion would be to watch this indie movie if you wonder just how good it really is. I haven’t seen many house break-in movies. There are numerous little things about this movie that you just have to see to fully understand why this movie was chosen for this edition of "From the Grave". I won't spoil the whole movie for you, you'd have to watch it.

If you want an honest rating, I would say 7 out of 10. If you want to know why, you’d have to see it.

BUY LINK!!! CLICK HERE!!!

This series will be part of my contribution as a reviewer. I will be reviewing movies released more than two years ago, to bring them to the forefront. The reviews are meant to be informational, and entertaining. I encourage you (the reader) to watch these movies despite my rating. Who knows, this movie may be your Mona Lisa.

I'm starting with the lesser known Days of Darkness. Please watch it if you feel compelled to do so.

Buy Link at Amazon!

First, let us start with the poster (used for promotional purposes with no intention to infringe rights).

_{Yes, why yes. That is an awesome poster. I'd love to have that above my future child's crib. That'll teach him to be facing the wall.}

Before I start this review I will warn you that there are MAJOR plot spoilers. I will also rate this movie so you can decide if you want to keep reading:

2/5 Stars.

Now let me explain how I got to this gracious 40% rating.

A friend recommended this movie to me when I was on a self-destructive zombie binge. So I rented it, and ended up paying the five dollars more to keep it. This movie isn't bad, but it's not 'AWESOME!' either. It has decent dialogue, decent plot, decent acting, and decent cinematography, but it tends to pull towards the lower side of the 0-100% scale.

One look at this movie and you’ll see that it’s just what you needed. It has everything, zombies, aliens, a religious nut, a porn star, and her easy going but lovable daughter, a used car salesman, a zombie who is held captive in the lower depths of the warehouse (I believe it’s a warehouse, wait, it’s a storage bin, no wait it’s a garage…just what the hell is it?), a stupid prick who wants to run the show and kill everyone he thinks will be a threat to his power; oh, and did I mention *SPOILERALERT* alien zombies who hate alcohol? *SPOILERALERT*

At first watch, the movie has the production quality of a lifetime movie or daytime soap opera. The characters are about as deep as one of those plastic twenty dollar kid pools, but I don’t think it’s because the actors are bad. What this movie doesn’t have is a good script. The best thing about this movie is the standard B-Movie plot set in modern days. Days of Darkness is your standard cross zombies with aliens and lots of drinking (at the end). With this you get Dawn of the Dead meets Night of the Comet meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets Signs meets a porno flick meets some Lifetime movie about porn-star mommy protecting her daughter from the evils of the English language and humankind.

I mention Signs because, well, the only thing that kills the zombie aliens is something so simple it’s a shame I didn’t think of it sooner. Yes you read right, zombie aliens. The whole movie is predicated on this notion that aliens have come to earth accidentally riding on this meteorite and are infecting humans and also taking over their bodies, with their favorite area not being the protein filled brain but their tissue based and no nutritional sexual organs. You know that’s where my Night of the Comet reference comes from, and you know that those movies above are movies I can actually watch (whether or not they are B-movies).

While I speak so badly about the movie, I fail to mention that the movie actually does a good job at explaining the plot and how the aliens ended up here causing everyone to become Human-Alien-Zombie Hybrids. Another good thing about this movie (and most b-movies) is that it is a good drinking movie. After all a big part of the plot is alcohol, drinking, and shooting zombies. Days of Darkness is very entertaining, you will certainly chuckle at some of the off-color humor, horribly worded lines, cgi earth and meteor, or just plain awkward acting. You will certainly go: “Aww, why’d that have to happen?” when the naked girl has to die.

I would have made this review longer, but, to be honest, there's not much to say about a movie that has it all. Just remember that this move has it all when it comes to low budget horror. ...and I'll close on that.